Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
