i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
