i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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