If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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