my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm passing your future prison.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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