you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
