dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i out mim tonsoeep
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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