i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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