Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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