i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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