You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
