Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
