i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize