I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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