I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
