I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
