So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
