Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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