the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
