I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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