Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
