Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
