you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
