The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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