im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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