Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize