Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
