Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
