I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
