I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
