Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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