Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
