I'm jealous of your bromance
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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