Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
