Only a mothe r could love this liver
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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