I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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