fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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