She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
