I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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