I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The beer is more important than you right now.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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