Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
