The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize