Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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