You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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