So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
