I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
