woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
