When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's just like the Real World with babies
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
