I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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