he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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