so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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