you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
