did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
