Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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