Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
