Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
