I love black thongs
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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